


That Time We Were Hauled Into SHIELD

by Chishionotenshi, Khetienn



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack Fic, Multi, Random & Short, because we're awful fangirls, driving Coulson to drink, messing about in the universe, somehow we keep getting away with it, we do terrible things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-27 18:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6294616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chishionotenshi/pseuds/Chishionotenshi, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khetienn/pseuds/Khetienn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Superheroes have nemeses, with great powers and corrupted minds. Phil Coulson, on the other hand... well, instead of a sidekick, he has adopted a bottle of Jameson. Or: What happens when a pair of rabid fangirls is dropped into the MCU with no consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It started as a pair of unusually persistent fangirls.

“You do realize,” Coulson lectured, giving them his best Earnest But Stern expression, “that it's inappropriate to cling to Thor's leg and beg him to take you to Asgard because his brother is...” He consulted his notes. “...a smoking hottie?”

The redhead raised her hand. “To be fair,” she pointed out, “she's the only one who wants to go to Asgard.” She indicated her friend.

“Yeah,” the brunette confirmed, “ _She's_ got a raging crush on Tony Stark.” She sniggered. “She wants to know if all of him is hard as iron.”

Unaccountably feeling as though he was losing control of the situation, Coulson opened his mouth to continue his lecture but found himself briefly at a loss. “Yes. Well.” He cleared his throat. “To continue, hanging around high-powered superheroes is dangerous, and-”

“D'you think we could convince Jarvis to let us into Stark Tower?” the redhead wondered to her friend, clearly not listening. “Or d'you think we'd have to break in?”

Coulson put his head in his hands. It was going to be a long relationship.


	2. Second

"Girls, Steve has asked you to stop calling him 'Mr. Rogers' and following him around singing 'It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood'."


	3. Third

"Okay, but for serious, Mr. Coulson, everybody knows that science is doing stuff until something works. So we are WAY qualified to work for Stark Industries."

"YOU BROKE IN."

"The door was open."

"Eventually," agreed the redhead.

“And– and, we were only there for very scientific reasons!”

Coulson sighed heavily. “And what might those be?”

“To find out if the Iron Man suit is really iron.” The brunette leaned forward and said in a conspiratorial whisper, “It isn’t even magnetic.”

“Ah, that brings us to the part where you wiped out Stark Industries main hardrive, I presume?”

The redhead rolled her eyes. “It’s hardly our fault that they keep it in the same place as the Iron Man suit.”

“And it wasn’t like we were trying!”

“I dread to think what would happen if you were,” Phil informed the pair. “Regardless, you’re both under supervision until such a time as the Director feels more generous. Natasha will keep an eye on you two.”

Why, he wondered as they smiled at Black Widow, did they look so pleased with this outcome? And when was he going to stop seeing this pair in his office? He did have other, more important matters to attend to.


	4. Two Hundred and Thirteenth

Coulson tapped his fingers against his folded arms, already feeling a stress headache coming on. "And what did we learn last time about playing with magnets?"

"That was Iron Man," the redhead defended herself.

"Besides," added the brunette, "Nat came up with the question."

Coulson cast a betrayed look at the other woman in the room. 

"And they were smiley face magnets," the redhead continued. "We thought they'd cheer him up. At least they DID stick."

"And that Bucky could use some MAJOR cheering up." The brunette pulled a ghastly grumpy face, apparently in imitation of the Winter Soldier.

"Except it only made him grumpier."

"HE TRIED TO KILL YOU BOTH," Coulson felt obliged to point out.

"All part of life." The brunette gave a philosophical shrug.

"Not for long, especially if you keep this up," Coulson warned, fighting the urge to wrap his hands around both their necks. "And speaking of killing... Natasha, I do have to ask you not to teach anyone else your list of 257 ways to kill a man."

"But...!" both redheads in the room protested.

"Rini is actually a very quick learner," Natasha informed him.

"I'm on number 78!" the other redhead said proudly.

"No more kill list, and NO MORE MAGNETS!" 

"Party pooper," muttered the brunette.

When the trio had exited his office, Coulson stared at the wall for a long time. Then he picked up the phone. "Yes, I need to make an emergency requisition. Uh huh. Office supplies. Another bottle of Jameson. And some ice."


	5. Seventeeth

Pacing the room, all Coulson could come up with was, "Can you maybe tell me WHY the Hulk has just destroyed half of Lower Manhattan?"

The brunette looked sheepish. "We thought it would be funny to sneak up on him wearing monster costumes?"

"You should have seen the look on his face!" the redhead added. "Well, before he went all green and rage-y."

"On that note, Director Fury has expressly forbidden you ladies from joining in battles."

"But we helped!"

"Sneaking up on people with guns and yelling, 'Caw caw motherfuckers.' is not particularly helpful."

The brunette pointed out, as Coulson feared she might, "But Mr. Rogers said it was very helpful! He said he'd never seen anybody piss their pants so fast!"

From a distant room came the reproving call, "LANGUAGE!”

“He’s one to talk,” muttered the redhead.

The brunette agreed. “Didn’t he tell that big guy not to fuck with him? Well, I suppose he could just have been expressing his sexuality.”

“No one deserves to be harassed,” said the other girl solemnly. Too bad the same courtesy did not extend to Coulson. He tried not to think very hard about how much was left in his current bottle versus the headache brewing behind his eyes.

“Ladies, no more battles.”

“Damn.”

“Language,” whispered the brunette loudly and they both giggled. Obviously there was not enough Jameson to cover this unique kind of hell.


	6. Twenty-first

"Are you certain, sir, that they aren't 0-8-4's?"

Nick Fury slowly shook his head. "They're fucking weird, but nothing's come in to suggest that they're anything but human."

"Next time we haul them in I want a blood sample." Coulson knocked back the rest of his drink; his nerves were only now beginning to settle from the pair's latest escapade. 

"There are consent issues-"

Coulson slid his phone across the desk. Director Fury picked it up and studied the photo displayed on the screen. 

"Blood samples it is." He nodded at Coulson's empty glass. "Pour yourself another, and one for me."


End file.
